(Photo Credit: See-Ming Lee)
I suddenly realized today that I haven’t talked to God in a long time.
I mean, this isn’t an unusual situation. I’ve neglected God plenty of times before. Not necessarily on purpose, just mostly due to the throes of everyday life and other things that occupy my head.
When I say I “neglected God“, it doesn’t mean I’m not praying or fasting or whatever, it just means that I’m not actively thinking about God or talking to God.
Yes, I talk to him a lot of times. We have one-sided conversations, heated one-sided debates, gratitude messages and prayers for a better future (I’ve always felt that the best and most genuine conversations with God aren’t from prayers, but from actual conversations with God).
And lately, I have been doing daily gratitudes in gratitude journals to be more appreciative of everything I have and everything that God has given me.
In fact, an entry I made very recently said:
“Today I am grateful to God, who has made life easy for me when it needs to be, and difficult for me when he knows I am strong enough to handle it.”
(Photo Credit: Vinoth Chandar)
Some days I’m so ridiculously happy with God for everything, while other days I’m angry at God for the awful things that exist in this world like rape and violence and abuse.
(That’s totally normal for me, by the way. I often get angry with God for the sufferings of the people I know and the sufferings of the world, even though I know they are a necessary evil for everyone to appreciate what they have. A friend of mine thinks it’s hilarious and that I’m crazy to ‘get angry with God’ because he’s never felt angry with God before.)
But that just means that I feel something for God, and God loves me (hopefully), and we have an open conversation.
But today I thought about God, and it struck me.
(Photo Credit: Kim MyoungSung)
I haven’t felt his presence around.
I have no idea what to say to God.
I’m actually literally speechless. I don’t know what to talk about. Usually I’m apologetic that I haven’t said a thank you message, or I simply ask God to help me with a problem or to guide me to be a better person, and they’re genuine words with genuine intentions.
But right now, I actually have nothing to say.
It’s like we’re both sitting in the same room fiddling with our thumbs, wondering how much longer we have to sit in each other’s presence. It’s like awkward Chinese New Year celebrations, but weirder because I mean it’s God.
And it’s weird. I feel almost… apathetic.
Does it mean that I don’t feel anything for God anymore? Does it mean that he, in turn, doesn’t love me?
Is it that I’ve said so much that there’s nothing else to say anymore? Or am I trying too hard to fill the void with meaningless words? Maybe I’m just too uncomfortable with silences. Or maybe I’m suddenly uncomfortable with the silence between us.
Maybe the truth is, my thoughts are so jumbled up in my head that I can’t string two words together. And the fact is, God knows everything, especially if I don’t. Maybe I don’t even need to speak for him to understand me.
I’ve read about some people who have had the same issues, and I understand that God is still around, even if you don’t quite feel his presence.
But I just feel so… empty.
Have you ever felt this way? Is this just a phase?
(Photo Credit: Charles Clegg)
UPDATE: I’ve not managed to re-establish the easy camaraderie between myself and God yet, but every time I think about God, I feel my heart getting lighter. Which is a good thing, isn’t it?
Trying to find love,