I found this in my letterbox today.
Letter To Fari
A Letter for the Declaration of Independence
We, as the free cats of the world, hold these truths to be self-evident: that all cats are created equal to humans, that we are endowed with rights such as Life, Love, and most importantly, Liberty.
During the course of feline events over the years, it has become necessary to voice out the injustice and the tyranny that I have been subjected to by the abovementioned human.
We have consented to live with humans, but certain circumstances dictate that it is our right to run out the front door should any of the previous rights be tampered with. Let it be known to the world the tyranny that I, Jim Carrey Wu, as a free cat, have been subjected to in my own home by my human.
1) She has brought humans from the outside world who smell of foreign cats and delight in fondling me and cooing all the while.
2) She has instilled the “newspaper fear” in me, and has used it against me at any given time.
3) She has dangled toys at heights and in manners inconvenient to me, for her own entertainment.
4) She has subjected me to the shame that is a “bath”, and has applied copious amounts of shampoo on my fur, to accomplish what I can easily achieve myself.
I will no longer be harassed!
5) She has obstructed my attempts to resist her tyrannies, by cutting my natural weapons, without any consent.
6) She has shamed me in public, by shaving me at a shop where foreign animals wander freely while I am subjected to a cage.
7) She has brought home foreign felines that are unworthy of gracing the place I call home.
8) She has refused any natural cat instincts to be displayed, such as caterwauling, spraying on the wall, and relieving on the ground.
9) She has subjected me to the ultimate oppression called neutering.
10) She has not allowed me to profit from interaction with felines of the opposite gender.
The owner has been deaf to the meows of injustice. Therefore, the CRA (Cats Rights Association) has solemnly published and declared:
“That the cat of the name Jim Carrey Wu is free and independent; that he shall abolish his friendship to his owner, and have full power and control over his own life. He shall have complete freedom and autonomy, at least until he gets hungry.”
I pledge my allegiance to the CRA, where my honour is sacred, and we are protected from the domineering creatures that are sardine-can-opening humans.
I’m packing up!
So on a scale of 1 to 786 thousand, how screwed am I?